


Lilies and Lemongrass

by Helenatrix



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Chapter 84, Fluff and Angst, M/M, no real smut, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-30
Updated: 2019-01-30
Packaged: 2019-10-19 13:50:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17602547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Helenatrix/pseuds/Helenatrix
Summary: The first time Levi found a bundle of hand-picked white lilies tied to the handle of his blades, he was overcome with rage.In world filled with transactions, some things aren't always a simple give and take.





	Lilies and Lemongrass

**Author's Note:**

> Hi friends! I'm still writing because I can't stop. Writing Eruri brings me happiness. 
> 
> This little fic was yet another reaction to my angstiness. I didn't really cover some of the post Chapter 84 items that I wanted to in Dangerous Games so this my attempt to fill in some cracks. 
> 
> I have some other twisty ideas up my sleeve. Please let me know what you think!

The first time Levi found a bundle of hand-picked white lilies tied to the handle of his blades, he was overcome with rage. Obviously, the delicate and brightly colored blooms had been left there by some glory-hungry scout trying his luck and testing Captain Levi for the amusement of his peers...obviously said soldier needed a good ass-kicking to keep him in line. 

Levi was not one with whom to be trifled...he took the flowers and stamped them under his feet, hoping the culprit was within line of sight, before sauntering out of the armory with a look of derision on his face.

But several days later, he found a bouquet of white lilies tied to the doorknob of his personal quarters. 

“What the fuck?” he growled, tugging the flowers from the handle in one quick movement. He inspected them carefully for a note or any clues as to who had left them. But there was nothing. He fumed silently. 

“Ooh Levi, looks like you have a secret admirer!” Levi hadn’t heard Hange approach, but her voice in his right ear caused his eyes to narrow in indignation.

“You know who put these here?” he snarled as her lips curled into a smirk. 

“I could guess…”

The flowers fell from his hand as he whirled on her, locking her neck in the crook of his inner elbow. “Out with it, Four Eyes!”

She squealed and squirmed beneath him. “Levi..Let me go! I can’t breathe!”

“I said, out with it! Now!” His voice was laced with venom as he held her firmly in his grasp.

“I don’t know!” Both of Hange’s hands were firmly grasping Levi’s outer arm, tugging on the fabric of his jacket as she sputtered and struggled to break free. “I was only joking, Levi! Let me go!”

Her face was turning purple, and in exasperation, Levi released Hange. She gasped as she fell to the floor, grasping at her neck. “Geez, Levi. You’re awfully  _ feral  _ today!”

“I’m irritated,” he snapped. “Whoever is leaving these  _ flowers  _ around is obviously messing with me. They’re trying to get a rise out of me…”

“Or...did you ever consider that they might just...like you?” Hange’s tone indicated her vexation. 

“ _ Like _ me?” His eyes narrowed furtively. “What the hell do you mean, Four-Eyes?”

“You know...like... _ like _ you. You’re not exactly unpopular with the other scouts.” Hange got to her feet, hands still caressing the reddening skin of her neck. 

Levi’s arms crossed over his chest as he gazed impassively at Hange. “You can’t be serious…”   


“What?” She was smiling again. 

“People actually do that shit?”

“What? Like give gifts and flowers to people they like? Uh...yea...people do it all the time. Are  _ you  _ serious?”

Levi studied her suspiciously before clicking his tongue and rolling his eyes. “People didn’t do it in the underground.” Of course, there were no flowers to give in the underground. 

Hange’s eyes widened behind her glasses. “I see...well take it from me. I highly doubt anyone would dare to ‘mess with’  _ Humanity’s Strongest Soldier.  _ Take it as a compliment.” She moved closer, pickin up the lilies where Levi had dropped them on the floor. “Besides, they’re really pretty. Lilies were always Erwin’s favorites, you know.”

Without another word, Levi turned on his heel and headed in the direction of Erwin’s office, the realization blooming in his mind. He should have known.  

It was no secret, Erwin’s infatuation with him. Levi had seen it since he first entered the Corps. Erwin watched him nearly constantly. He watched him when he trained, when he sat alone, drinking a cup of tea in the mess hall. Erwin watched him when they were alone together in the Commander’s office. And when they were surrounded by the other officers and scouts. He watched him as he slipped into the belts and buckles of his harnesses prior to a mission. Erwin watched him in much the same way as he had first watched him as he had sailed effortlessly through the underground. Always with those wide, all-consuming blue eyes. Those eyes so filled with admiration and wonder, they almost rendered Levi vulnerable and exposed beneath their stare. 

There was a part of Levi that relished that gaze. That took its time when sliding the harnesses up and over his thighs. That slowly and deliberately brushed back the dark hair to reveal the sharp lines of his neck...when he was sure he was being watched. He didn’t hate it...Erwin’s potent, lust-filled gaze. But still...it seemed inappropriate. Like something that needed to be addressed before it became too...distracting. For both of them. 

He approached the closed door to Erwin’s office, and without thinking or hesitating, he turned the handle and barged inside. Erwin’s eyes glittered with surprise as Levi made his presence known. “Captain. What a pleasant surprise.”

“Commander,” Levi lingered in the doorway, folding his arms over his chest. 

“Can I offer you a cup of tea? I just poured myself some,” Erwin rose from where he was seated behind his desk and gestured to a silver teapot, steaming where it sat. 

Levi raised an eyebrow. “Didn’t know you were much for tea…”

“Let’s just say I’ve refined my tastes. It’s black tea...I know that’s your favorite.”

It  _ was  _ his favorite. Not that he’d ever told Erwin that. Just another bit of information Erwin had gleaned by watching Levi’s movements and his preferences. Slowly, Levi approached. “You know, some people might call it creepy...the way you watch me.”

Erwin smirked. “It’s a Commander’s duty to watch his officers, to ensure they’re meeting expectations..staying true to form. Performing the duties of their position.”

“Is  _ that  _ what you’re doing?” Levi scoffed, accepting the steeping cup that Erwin offered to him. It smelled good. Earthy. Floral. Pleasant. 

“Of course,” Erwin was smirking as he brought his own cup to his lips, assessing Levi’s shifting form over the top of the ceramic rim. 

“You watch all the other squad leaders the way you watch me, then?”

“Of course.”

“And you tie a bunch of white lilies to their blades too?”

Erwin cocked an eyebrow, setting his cup back down on his desk. After a moment of studying Levi apprehensively, he finally spoke. “No...I suppose I don’t.”

“So...it was you?” Levi snapped. 

“Are you displeased?” The expression on Erwin’s face was earnest, placed there with delicacy and poise, as though he was afraid of overstepping, of pushing Levi’s boundaries to the point of breakage. 

“I just...don’t get it. Why?”

Erwin’s lips pulled into a smile of relief. “I suppose I...thought you might like them. They’re - .”

“Your favorites?”

Surprise colored the handsome features of Erwin’s face. “How did you know?”

“Hange told me.”

Erwin nodded. “Ahh yes. They are. My favorites, that is. When I saw them...I immediately wanted to buy them for you. To give them to you as a gift. Was that silly of me?”

“A gift?” Levi shifted uneasily where he stood. “For what?”

Erwin chuckled, a flush crawling up his cheeks. “Do I need to have a reason for giving you a gift? I just...wanted to do something nice for you.”

Levi’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. “What do you  _ want _ , Erwin?”

Erwin took another sip. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Nobody just  _ does something nice _ for someone else. Not without wanting something in return. So,  _ what do you want _ ?”

Erwin’s mouth dropped open as if he wanted to say something, but was unsure of how to say it. He shook his head dolefully. “Oh Levi...I just wanted to make you happy. If I overstepped...if I misread the situation, I apologize.”

Levi gaped at him, rooted to the spot. He felt like a fish out of water, a spider whose legs had been plucked off. Awkward. Immobile. Vulnerable. He fought the urge to turn and leave, to bite back at Erwin, to scold him for his rash actions. And a small part of him was overwhelmed with Erwin’s kindness. Who  _ did  _ this kind of shit? Giving gifts with no hope of repayment? It didn’t happen in the underground. And it had never happened to Levi. 

But there was something in the subtle set of Erwin’s brows, the gentle look of apology...of trepidation at having overstepped. Levi forced himself to shrug in response. “It’s fine.”

“I...uh...I have something else for you, actually.” Erwin dug into the depths of one of his desk drawers, before standing and approaching Levi, with a small, brown package in his hands. It was covered in a layer of brown paper, tied at the top with a small piece of twine. An actual  _ present _ . Levi’s heart clenched in his chest as Erwin drew nearer. 

“It’s nothing much....I just...saw it and thought of you.” He handed the package to Levi, who took it with shaking hands and wide, awe-struck eyes. 

“Erwin...what the fuck?”

“It’s really...not much. Open it.” Erwin’s blue eyes were imploring and gentle, wide-open and curious as he studied the hestiancy that was plastered over Levi’s features. 

Levi’s fingers fumbled with the paper, his hands shaking as he struggled to remove the wrapping from his gift. His heart was pounding in his ears as he finally revealed the contents underneath. It was a bar of soap, white and smooth with delicate green strings of grass woven within. When the scent hit Levi’s nostrils, he was overwhelmed by the soft scent of lemons and vanilla. It was clean, warm. Perfect. He had never smelled something so fresh. 

“It’s lemongrass,” Erwin said softly. “A merchant in Mitras as selling it and I couldn’t help myself. The scent reminded me of you.”

Levi’s eyes flashed to Erwin’s face. “Of me?”

“Clean. Delicate yet masculine. The soap itself is supposed to have healing properties. Though...that could have just been said in an effort to make a sale.” Erwin smiled, chuckling to himself. “It worked...obviously. Do you like it?”

Levi felt his cheeks flush as he nodded. “Thank you, Erwin. I don’t have anything to...give to you…”

“That’s not what this is about, Levi. I don’t want anything from you in return. Truly.” Erwin reached out and took Levi’s hand in his own. He caressed Levi’s palm before bringing it to his lips and gently laying a kiss on Levi’s skin. “You make me happy. I just wanted to return the favor.”

Levi again felt overwhelmed by Erwin’s kindness, his words, his presence. His fingers brushed over the smooth surface of the soap, tracing its curved edges. He would never been able to afford such a thing in the underground. Might have stolen it, if given the opportunity. 

“I hope to be able to smell it on you sometime. I imagine it will be...intoxicating on your skin,” Erwin’s voice was low, a heady mix of desire and admiration. Levi felt his eyelids flutter as he raised his eyes to meet Erwin’s, his breath caught, stuck, in his throat. 

He couldn’t understand it. In the underground, everything had a price. For every give, there was an expected take. It was the price you paid for kindness, no matter how small. Levi had learned it first with Kenny. Kenny hadn’t given gifts. Kenny hadn’t been kind. If Levi wanted something, Levi had to get it himself. And if he wasn’t able, Kenny’s assistance had a price. It had never been free. 

The closest Levi had come to experiencing something similar to Erwin’s kindness had been Isabel and Furlan. They had never had money for fine things or gifts. But they had done their part to show love to one another. There had been a mutual camaraderie in the life they had shared. A give and take that had not expected and had not asked. It was fluid and easy. Appreciated but never anticipated.  But this gift from Erwin...it was unnecessary kindness for the sake of being kind. It didn’t make sense. It set Levi on edge. 

“Thank you, Erwin,” he said with a note of finality. 

“It’s my pleasure, Levi.” 

Those blue eyes bore into him, so intense and gentle, that Levi had to look away. He turned and left Erwin behind that day, unsure of how to progress, how to move forward. Terrified of the intensity and vulnerability. But intrigued by it as well. 

To Erwin, Levi was drawn like a moth to a flame, unable to resist. 

Lemongrass quickly became Levi’s favorite scents in the world. Every time he lathered that soap in his hands and brought the suds over his skin, he felt himself washed away in the warmth of that smell - like lemon and vanilla. And peace and comfort. Like Erwin. 

The next time a bouquet of white lilies had appeared, hanging from the handle of Levi’s personal quarters, Levi hadn’t thrown them away or stamped them underfoot. He had brought them inside and placed them in a vase, before filling the vase with water and setting the arrangement on his windowsill.  And though he wouldn’t have admitted it, he liked the way their bright white petals caught the light, and enjoyed the delicate floral scent they diffused throughout the room. 

The first time Erwin had been bold enough to snake his hands around Levi’s waist and pull him close, he had pressed his nose against the skin of Levi’s neck and breathed in deeply. Levi knew what he was searching for. As Erwin ran his mouth over Levi’s neck, Levi knew he was smelling lilies and lemongrass, becoming absorbed and consumed by the intoxicating mix of those intermingling aromas. 

Over the course of the next few years, lilies and lemongrass became their signature, a way to communicate their affection to one another without garnering unwanted attention from the other scouts and officers. It wasn’t uncommon for a sprig of dried lemongrass to appear on Erwin’s desk or folded within the pages of his most recent tome. 

It was often that a hand-picked bouquet of lilies would be trussed and freshly watered in the vase on Levi’s windowsill. 

And always, the smell of lilies and lemongrass would remind Levi of Erwin. His Commander. The man to whom he had devoted himself. The man with whom he had fallen in love. 

In a world without kindness, without loyalty, lemongrass and lilies brought Levi some semblance of comfort, of love. Every touch they shared, every meeting of their lips, every connection of their bodies...it was lilies and lemongrass. Lilies and lemongrass that would never allow him to forget those moments. That kindness. Those amazing blue eyes and their intense, overpowering, all-consuming stare.

Levi felt seen by Erwin, seen in a way he had never been before. It was if those penetrating blue eyes knew him, saw into his soul. Erwin understood Levi. What he needed. Who he was. All the things that made him tick. No one had ever seen Levi that way before. Nor would ever see Levi that way again. 

In Shinganshina, after the battle that had decimated the entirety of the Corps and taken the life of their Commander, Levi had wandered the streets, unable to think, unable to feel. Alone. Tired. Broken. Covered in evaporating titan blood. Blood from the Beast Titan that Levi had failed to kill.  

The enormity of what he had lost still hadn’t sunk in as he ambled aimlessly through the decimated remains of the small town. He had left them all, purporting his need to take a walk, to get some air, to clear his head. He had left Hange, Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Floch. Jean, Connie, Sasha. He had left Erwin’s body, lain out in the upstairs bedroom, in one of the only remaining homes left in Shinganshina. His body looked small, meek, broken, where it lay peacefully on the bed along the wall. Levi couldn’t look at him. At the shell of the man who had once existed inside. At the body of the man to whom he had failed to keep his promise.

Erwin Smith was dead. 

Levi’s vision began to blur as tears welled in his eyes. He forcefully brushed the wetness away, willing himself to stay strong. They needed him.The remaining scouts needed him. It wasn’t time to fall apart. 

And then he saw them. Growing up on their own against a wall of rubble and dust. White lilies. Erwin’s favorite. As Levi stumbled over to the spot in which the flowers had bloomed from the wreckage, he fell to his knees, losing himself unwillingly to his grief. “Erwin…” he choked through a sob. 

In the stillness of the freshly reclaimed city of Shinganshina, Levi allowed himself to be consumed by his own grief. He mourned Erwin. He mourned his loss. He mourned what the world would be without Erwin’s vibrant kindness, the ray of sunshine and selflessness that he had been for humanity. He mourned their touches, their quiet moments. He mourned those intensely deep blue eyes that had set his heart on fire and sent bolts of electricity down his spine. And when he was finally able to compose himself, to bring himself back to his feet, he slipped the knife he always carried from his boot and plucked the lilies from the earth. 

Levi put the flowers in a vase he had found in the cupboards of the Shina home. There was no water with which to fill it, but he placed the vase on the table next to Erwin’s bedside, setting it down in reverence and prostration. With a heaving sigh, he forced himself to look over at where Erwin lay, lifeless and cold. Leaden limbs led him closer. 

He slipped a hand into Erwin’s, taking a seat beside him on the groaning mattress. Slowly, Levi leaned in to press a final kiss to Erwin’s lips. And was overwhelmed by the scent of lemongrass. Had Erwin washed with it before their departure? How had Levi not noticed it before? Again, tears sprang to his eyes. He pressed his nose to the exposed skin over Erwin’s clavicle, taking in the scent that was all Erwin. Vanilla and lemon. Warmth and comfort. 

Levi left the lilies to watch over Erwin, praying that perhaps wherever Erwin was, whatever side upon which he awoke, being greeted by the sight of his favorite flowers might bring him some peace. Bring him some contentment. Without horses to bring him home, Erwin would remain inside the wreckage of Shinganshina to molder away among the corpses of his comrades. It felt wrong to leave him there. To allow him to rot away as the maggots and birds picked at his bones. Erwin deserved, more than anyone he had ever known, to be laid to rest. 

The weeks passed in Erwin’s absence. A memorial service was to be held in Mitras in Erwin’s honor. A memorial service with no body to bury. It had been so long since Levi had seen Erwin’s face, felt his touch. Or received a bouquet of white lilies to replenish the ones that had dried and wilted in the vase upon his windowsill. 

“Erwin Smith was the leader this world needed, even when it was difficult, even when we rebelled against him. Erwin stood strong and firm in what he believed. He led with faith and poise and compassion. He led as he had lived. Fearlessly.” Zakley’s words as he addressed the crowd were strong and firm, booming over the wide expanse that had been filled with the attendees of Erwin’s memorial service. The sad faces of the people of Mitras looked up with tears in their eyes, mourning the man they had once abandoned and forsaken. 

Levi and Hange stood on the stage that had been erected, just behind Zakley. Nile and Pixis also stood to Zakley’s other side, their arms all held tightly in salutes. The other members of the Survey Corps, Garrison Regiment and Military Police stood just in front of the raised platforms, with their backs to the crowd, looking up onto their leaders with stoic expressions on their faces. Did they recognize the loss they had suffered? Did they too hate Levi for making the choice? They couldn’t possibly hate him more than he hated himself. 

“Today, we honor the memory of Erwin Smith and the scouts who chose to follow him to their deaths. We honor their bravery, their passion, their sacrifice. If we glean no new information from what they have given us, we can at least learn to give our hearts, to charge into a new dawn without fear. As soldiers, we give ourselves, we give our hearts. And often we get nothing back. Erwin Smith recognized that struggle and still, he chose to give everything he had to humanity’s cause. Let us all be like Erwin. Let us all give up our hearts for the possibility of finding wings!” Zakley had the crowd stirred and entranced, prompting emotions to rise and eyes to tear. 

But Levi felt cold and unaffected. These words didn’t summarize the life of Erwin Smith. Not even close. They didn’t take into account the way Erwin’s lip would curl when he was concentrating, nor the way his brows would furrow when he was frustrated. They didn’t relay the way the world seemed to pause when he smiled. The way his words revived hope, or the way his laugh could melt even the most frozen of hearts. How it had melted Levi’s. 

No. These people hadn’t known Erwin Smith. Not as he truly was. They mourned the Commander. But Levi mourned the man. The living, breathing, human man who had hidden behind that Commander mask, only daring to take it off around a select few. That man had had desires and dreams. Passions and pains. He had given so much and taken so little. Fought for and grown exhausted with this world. All the while, loving and living so passionately. 

That night, Levi had asked his Commander’s permission to return to Shinganshina to retrieve Erwin’s body and finally lay him to rest. 

“What, by yourself?” Hange had asked, a look of shock on her face. And Levi had nodded. 

“No use in sending anyone else along with me. I’ll be fine. I won’t be gone longer than a day or two. But we can’t leave him there, Hange. He deserves better than that.”

She had nodded, knowing that attempting to dissuade him was a foolhardy task. So, he departed two days later, with enough supplies to last him for three days. 

He remembered the path to that rundown old house as if it was a map that had been encrypted into his brain. He remembered how long it would take, which routes would be clear and which ones would be littered with rubble and decay. It had been weeks since Levi had been back, but he was sure that the remains of Erwin Smith would be less than a pretty sight, and part of him feared seeing them. Would there be anything left of the beautiful face he had so loved? Or would his body be a moldering mess of flesh and bone, stinking and rotting in the summer heat? The thought caused a wave of nausea to crash over Levi, making him feel light-headed where he was seated upon his horse. 

_ Focus,  _ he reminded himself.  _ There’s no one here to have your back. So focus, or die.  _ And he couldn’t die. Not without fulfilling his promise. Not without bringing Erwin home.

When he arrived, he tied his horse to the remaining fence posts and approached the front door with his heart pounding against his ribcage. As he stepped inside, mounting the threshold and entering the ramshackled old home, he felt faint, nervous. Terrified. Unsteady and uncertain. His footsteps echoed in his ears as he headed to the staircase that led to the lofted bedroom, where Erwin’s remains lay, waiting for him. 

Levi had never thought himself brave. Action was just something he  _ did,  _ without thinking, without hesitation _.  _ But for the first time in his life, Levi wondered if  _ this  _ was what bravery was...purposely moving forward when your feet and your body and your heart and your mind were working together to beg you to stay back. He didn’t want to see Erwin like this...didn’t want to know the true loss of seeing Erwin as a pile of moldering remains...What if the smell was so overwhelming that he couldn’t get close? What if his beautiful eyes had been eaten from his face? What if worms and maggots crawled openly through the caverns and crevices of his decomposing body?

_ Walk, _ Levi urged himself.  _ Keep moving. Go.  _

He had come all this way. So what now? Could he really turn back and leave Erwin without ever once having stepped foot in that room? Without ever once having to confront his worst fear? 

He wasn’t sure what he had expected. But the sight that greeted him was unexpected, to say the least. 

All that was left of Erwin Smith was a pile of bones. There was no rot. No mold. No stench. Just bones clothed in the fabric of the Survey Corps uniform. It wasn’t horrifying. It wasn’t revulsing. It was...peaceful. Human. It was death at its most simple. And all at once, Levi’s fear dissipated, to be replaced by an overwhelming grief. 

Erwin Smith truly was truly gone. And bones and fabric were all that were left. 

He stumbled to the bed, tears streaming unwillingly down this face. What had he been so afraid of? What had kept him away for so long? This pile of bones was nothing to fear. 

As he moved closer, Levi stilled. He could smell...but no...how could it be? It had been weeks of decomposition. All the skin and flesh had been picked clean from Erwin’s bones. And yet...the faint and delicate scent persisted. Lemongrass. It was there, wafting through the still air like a ghost. Was he imagining it? 

Then his eyes strayed to the side table by the bedside. And his heart nearly stopped in his chest. Fresh lilies. Still in bloom. As if someone had left them there specifically for him. It couldn’t be. It couldn’t be. He was going crazy. He had to be. 

_ Do you like them?  _ Erwin. 

Levi whirled around, barely breathing, to see Erwin. Whole, unblemished, standing in the doorway of the bedroom. “Erwin,” he gasped.

Erwin opened his arms, holding them out to Levi. The sight caused Levi’s breath to coil inside his chest, to clench hard in his chest. He was there. He was there. And Levi would be damned if he cared whether or not it was real. Perhaps he had gone crazy. He didn’t care. Erwin was there with him. And he didn’t care about anything else. He raced into those open arms, crashing into Erwin’s body and enveloping him in a desperate embrace.    

“I’ve missed you,” he purred through the smattering of kisses he placed along Erwin’s lips, his jawline, his neck. “Fuck...I’ve missed you so much.”

_ I’ve missed you too, Levi.  _ The feel of Erwin’s hand...his right hand...stroking his face brought tears to Levi’s eyes again. He clenched his eyes shut tight to will them away.  _ But what are you doing here? _

“I’m bringing you home with me,” he said. “I’m bringing you back home so you can rest.”

But Erwin didn’t respond. He was too busy dragging his nose down Levi’s neck, using his fingers to pull away Levi’s cravat and exposing the delicate, pale skin covering his clavicle.  _ You still wear it,  _ he said, as if he was surprised.  _ Lemongrass.  _

“Of course,” Levi brought Erwin’s eyes to meet his own with gentle hands. “I never stopped.”

_ I was right. It smells intoxicating on you. It suits you.  _

“Erwin…” Levi attempted, but Erwin’s lips quickly enveloped his own, parting them with his exploring tongue. Erwin’s fingers were twining themselves in Levi’s hair, pulling and twisting. Levi couldn’t help but allow himself to succumb to those hands that knew him so well. Erwin was comfort and peace. And being in Erwin’s arms was a feeling of completion so exquisite, Levi felt he might have died himself and followed Erwin to whatever plane within which he now existed. Was this heaven? Perhaps so. Perhaps heaven was Erwin’s arms.

Levi gasped as Erwin’s lips moved from his mouth to his neck, sucking at his sensitive skin. It had been too long since he’d felt Erwin like this. Too long since he’d held this man in his arms. Too long since he’d had those perfectly intense blue eyes boring into him as if knowing the root of his soul, the truth of his existence. Too long since he’d been seen.

Before he knew it, Levi was sprawled on the floor with Erwin between his legs, kissing him deeply, caressing his cheeks, caressing his hair, gazing into his eyes. Staring down at him like he was the most beautiful thing Erwin had ever seen. 

_ You’re so beautiful, Levi, _ Erwin said, his voice low and heavy.  _ Do you know how beautiful you are?’ _

Levi rolled his eyes, bringing Erwin back down for another kiss as they ground against each other. “Shut up, Erwin.”

_ I mean it. Don’t let present circumstances take away your beauty. And don’t will yourself to forget the beauty in the world as it remains.  _

Levi shook his head. “Without you, nothing is beautiful anymore.”

_ That’s not true. There is still beauty. There is still kindness and goodness and hope. I beg of you. Don’t forget to look for it. Hange needs you. Eren and Mikasa and Armin. The other scouts. Humanity needs you.  _

“I don’t owe them anything,” Levi spat. 

_ You’re right. You don’t. But you owe it to yourself. I want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy.  _

Levi’s brow furrowed. “You can’t expect me to be happy without you, Erwin.”

Erwin’s lips pulled into a gentle grin.  _ But I do expect it. I expect you to live while you’ve still got life left. Until we can be together again, I want you to live. Can you do that for me? _

His blue eyes were imploring and kind, wide-open and tender. Levi wanted to defy him, to refuse in stubborn disobedience. But Erwin’s hands were roving over his body, caressing and fondling and unbuttoning and undressing and Levi was finding it difficult to remain impassive against his advances. 

Erwin’s hand strayed, brushing lightly over the bulge in Levi’s trousers before pulling away. Levi groaned in response. “Fuck, Erwin.  _ Touch  _ me.” He was moaning, whimpering like an animal in heat, but at that moment, he didn’t care. He wanted Erwin. Wanted to feel him. More than anything in the world. 

_ I want to hear you say it. Say you’ll live. Say you’ll fight and continue to fight. Say it.  _

Erwin’s hands were on either sides of Levi’s face, forcing his eyes to connect with those deep blues. The intensity was strangling, oppressive. Levi couldn't tear his eyes away as his hips ruttted against Erwin’s. “Fuck, fine. Yes. I’ll live, alright. And I’ll fight. Until the time comes when we can be together again, I will fight to stay alive. I’ll keep my promise, Erwin. I’ll continue to be useful. As long as I’m able.”

_ You’re so beautiful, Levi. You make me so happy. You’ve always made me so happy.  _

They brought their mouths together over and over again, until Levi was sore and exhausted, his lips red and swollen from their passionate embrace. But he was desperate to hold onto Erwin, to force him to stay and never let him go. So, despite his soreness, despite his exhaustion, he held onto Erwin with every ounce of strength he had left.

_ You’re exhausted, my Levi. How long has it been since you’ve slept?  _

“I’m fine,” Levi interjected, But he could tell by the look on Erwin’s face that he was unconvinced.

_ Rest now. I’ll watch over you. I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep. _

_ “ _ And will you be here when I wake up?” Levi couldn’t help the desperation that had crept unwillingly into his voice.

Sadness flashed across Erwin’s face. He didn’t have to say anything. Levi knew. 

“Then I don’t want to sleep. I never want to sleep again.”

_ Levi, you promised. You won’t be able to make the journey home if you don’t rest. _

He wanted to fight it. Wanted to be stubborn and defiant. But Erwin’s fingers tracing patterns over his scalp lulled him into a contented state of ease. Despite himself, he closed his eyes, felt himself drift into a dreamless slumber. 

_ That’s it, my Levi. Rest. I’ll watch over you.  _

And when he awoke, Erwin was gone. As if he had never been there at all. On the bed, lay Erwin’s bones, untouched. And in the vase on the nightstand, there were no lilies. Had never been lilies. The vase was empty. And the smell of lemongrass had faded completely. 

Had it all been a dream? Erwin’s touch had felt so real, so potent. But Levi knew the insanity of it. He would be a fool to think that he had seen Erwin’s ghost, made love to it, been held by its arms. It wasn’t possible. But even still…

Levi gathered Erwin’s bones with delicacy and care, wrapping them up inside his cloak before storing them in the pack he had carried with him. With trembling hands, he cut the patch from the breast pocket of Erwin’s jacket, tenderly stroking those silver and blue wings with the pads of his fingers. He would keep it with him forever. A final gift from Erwin. A final reminder that he had lived. 

As he mounted his horse and prepared to head back, he took one final look at that rundown house, the last place in which he had seen Erwin as a man, complete and whole. “Good-bye, Erwin,” he whispered, as the scent of lemongrass once again filled the air, heralding his departure and ushering him back home. 

The world without Erwin was a tired, mundane, miserable thing that relied on transactions, on checks and balances, on payments and repayments. There was no kindness. There were no gifts. The world without Erwin existed without light. Without hope. Without joy. For Levi, the world without Erwin was barely worth saving. And his life without Erwin was barely worth living. He existed only to keep his promise. To keep his promise and then to one day find Erwin again. 

Perhaps there was a world after this one. A world without fear, without pain. Without enemies. Without titans. Perhaps that was where Erwin was now, waiting for Levi. Levi could only hope that was the case. That perhaps after everything, they could be together again. Surrounded by peace and comfort. Lemon and vanilla. Lilies and lemongrass. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Not much in the way of smut. My apologies. I wanted something sweet and sad. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think!
> 
> Also, I have a tumblr now! So follow me, you know...if you want...helenatrixxx!


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